Not All Quiet on the Western Front

So, yesterday I got curious to see what was going on at my office in the three days I had been away from them.  I’m still away today, tomorrow, and all of next week.  I have orientation for a class that I’m starting today, that that’s a big thing, and then the class starts next week.  But… continuing…

I texted a couple of people from work yesterday and asked them how everything was going with having the slacker girl back in the office.  I text two separate people: one of the doctor’s assistants, and the other front desk girl I had been training.  The girl said that they had all been dragged down for a front desk meeting to go over the new responsibilities they were expected to take on now that I wasn’t there anymore.  Apparently, slacker girl just smiled and nodded her head.  I asked the other receptionist if the manager had tried to start a round of applause to welcome her back.  She said that yes she did, and hardly anybody participated.  Also, her English has now suffered greatly because she’s been in Indonesia for basically three months.

The assistant said he can’t believe how bad it is now there, and I don’t blame him.  I am firmly of the opinion that she is a bad apple that needs to be removed, or the rest of the barrel will get contaminated.  I haven’t seen her since she got back, and I won’t be seeing her till after Labor Day, if she’s still there.  I am of the opinion that: revenge is a dish best served cold.

And on that note, it’s been real!

Philosophy of Phrases

The power of words is not to be underestimated.  I work with words, and I have coined many phrases that my coworkers now associate with me.  I have a reason for why I say them, and I’m pretty sure if I look back through my memory, I could find when I quoted them.

Phrase #1: I hate humanity – now, when I say that, I don’t hate all humanity.  When I say that, I only apply it to stupid people.  Regretfully, it seems to apply to the majority of people.

Phrase #2: Never underestimate the stupidity of humanity – this phrase spouted out of my mouth probably from working in the restaurant.  I always tell my coworkers that when they are baffled by stupid people.  It fits!  It’s poetic almost.  You should use it sometime when somebody asks you why are people so dumb.

Phrase #3: Ah, mortals! – I just said that because I like to pretend I’m Loki, and he obviously looks down on mortals.  Me?  I look down on stupid people.

Now I know this probably makes me look like I hate people, but I don’t.  I’m fine with humanity, it’s people I can’t stand ~ Linus Van Pelt.

And on that note, it’s been real!

Stupid Questions: Special Edition

Okay, remember how your teacher always says, “There’s never such a thing as a stupid question”?  Well… She was lying.  She just said that to spare your feelings.  Stupid questions are normally asked by stupid people.  I am discounting children because they are children, and still have much to learn.  But, we should be surprised by the enormous amount of stupid questions that are asked by adults.  Sadly, we aren’t.

At my doctor’s office, stupid questions from grown ups are exorbitant.  Almost to the point of idiocy.  Oh, wait… it’s already there.  Our office is very busy, and I very, very, VERY rarely have room in my schedule for a walk-in.  But, I get them often.  Sometimes they are new patients, who have an ’emergency’, and need to be seen immediately.  Please understand that doctors are very busy people and as I mentioned above, very infrequently do they have time to deal with walk-in Schmoes.  Now, maybe that’s because I’m at the front and I rule my land with an iron fist.  Apparently, a few years before I came along, our doctors would see the off-the-street nimrod, and throw off their schedules for the rest of the day.  Look at it this way: if they were meant to see every man who happened by, then schedules would be irrelevant.

I love when I’m on the phone, and I get people saying, “I just need the doctor to check my bleeding gums.  I don’t need an appointment for that, do I?”

I blink a couple of times, restart my brain, and refrain from saying, “On what planet is that okay?!”  One day, a patient’s mother was complaining for her child, and said she needed an appointment as early in the morning as possible.  I said, “Sorry ma’am, but the earliest I have is (such and such a time) with (Dr. Lecter).”

“Oh, that’s not early enough.”

“Well, that’s the only one I’ve got.”

“Can’t the doctor come in early?”  NO!  No, no… no… and… NO!  The doctors come in according to the hours they’ve set for themselves, not whenever you ring your little bell, Queen Victoria!  One of the straws that broke the camel’s back, was a patient who cancelled her appointment, and wanted to reschedule.  These people are always the worst, because they cancel last minute, then they want the unattainable slots: early morning, or late evening.  She cancelled her appointment, and I honestly told her that availability for an evening appointment was slim to none, and she was looking at rescheduling her appointment in another six months.

“Well, can you move somebody else and put me there?”  Are you retarded?!  Were you born with a silver spoon in your mouth as well as your *ss?!  I firmly told her that I could not do that.  “Oh, well somebody did it for me once.”

“Well, I can’t.”  She hung up in a huff, but I did not let her intimidate me.  I get asked stupid questions at least a couple of times a week, and they annoy and amuse me in equal parts.  That’s how close I am to either laughing or crying.

And on that note, it’s been real!

Restaurant Rules of Conduct

Now, this is friendly advice for those who are uninitiated in the ways of service in the restaurant business.  For those of you who read this and have worked in a restaurant, you know what I’m talking about.  For those of you who haven’t, you’re about to be educated.  There are many things that can annoy hostesses and servers alike.  I will point these out so that the next time you go to a restaurant, you can NOT do that.

Restaurant Rules of Conduct:

  1. Sit where the hostess puts you.  Easy one, right?  NO!  Duly note that whenever you walk into a restaurant, the hostess has a seating plan, so that every server can get approximately the same amount of tables and make some money.  A hostess is not blind.  If you are an older couple, she will try to put you at a lower table so you have easier access.  It just might not be in that exact spot you want to sit in.  Shut up and sit down.
  2. Don’t apologize.  That is not what you think it is.  When I say ‘don’t apologize’, I don’t mean ‘don’t apologize for who you are’.  I mean ‘don’t apologize for being difficult’.  Cause if you really didn’t want to be difficult, you wouldn’t be difficult in the first place.  So, when you countermand the hostess and ask to move to five different tables, don’t say, “I’m sorry for being difficult.”  You know why?  Because the hostess is muttering to herself, “No, you’re not.”  Because… you really aren’t.
  3. The music is fine.  Whenever you walk into a restaurant, look around and gauge what type of crowd mostly inhabits this theme of restaurant.  That being the case, don’t adjust the volume.  To be fair, most restaurants aren’t designed to cater to the older people; they are there to cater to the younger crowd.  So, with that thought in mind, don’t ask your server to turn the music down.  The music is at the volume it should be.  If you want to eat in a place where you control the volume, stay home.  You’ll be doing the rest of the world a favor.
  4. Table hopping. F*ck NO!  There was one night when I was food running, and I kept bringing the food to the wrong table.  I thought it was me at first, until the servers all told me that it wasn’t, and that people would sit down, order their food there, then decided they wanted that table over there.  Please!  Don’t do that.  Not only is it rude to the server, it is inconvenient for the foodrunner.  Plus, it throws the hostess out of whack, especially if she was about to seat that table, and you slide over like a jerk.
  5. Respect reservations.  When it comes to reservations, my restaurant only takes parties of six or larger, because anything smaller is stupid.  I’m glad we do that, because then on weekend holidays or stuff like that, our entire restaurant doesn’t get booked by reservations, and we can take a couple of walk ins.  But, as a hostess, I have had some people say, “I want to sit there.”  Me: “Oh, that’s reserved.”  Cue the crickets…  “But I want to sit there.”  Does my previous statement not compute for you?  I once almost got into a confrontation with a high schooler, who thought she was something special.  “But, we’re here now.”  Me: “I can’t put you there because it’s reserved.”  “But, I’m here now.”  Somebody bring me a table so that I can smash my forehead off it repeatedly, please?
  6. Cleanliness is close to godliness.  It never ceases to amaze me how messy full grown adults can be.  I’ll clean up a table and find so much stuff smeared on it and napkins and food on the floor, I try to remember if I sat kids there.  Then I remember that it was a bunch of adults, who all probably had a little too much to drink, and decided to throw manners out the window.  Now, maybe I’m saying that because I’m very conscious of what people think when I eat in public, but I don’t think other people think that way.  If you spill something or drop sauce on the table, wipe it up and ask (politely) for another napkin.  The person cleaning the table when you leave (me), will be very grateful if you eat like a human being instead of an animal.
  7. Waiting for a table?  Wait patiently.  If there is one thing that irks a hostess, it is impatient patrons.  You have to understand that a waiting list can be a vague thing because the hostess does not know down to the exact second, when people are going to get up and vacate a table.  They are estimating when they give you a wait time, and that also depends on when the tables were seated.  I’ve had people come in and when I tell them there’s a wait, they say, “Well, I called here ten minutes ago, and they said there wasn’t a wait.”  You have to try to comprehend that a lot of tables can be sat in ten minutes, and all at the same time.  This means that by the time you haul your ass over, they are all gone, and I am putting you on a wait.  And wait patiently for goodness sake!  Don’t walk up every five minutes and ask where you are.  You know why?  Because I’m standing there smiling, but it’s because I’m imagining what your face would look like after I’ve punched you in the throat a couple of times.

So there you have it!  Those are the restaurant rules of conduct for you to follow the next time you go out for an evening of food, music, conversation, and alcohol!

And on that note, it’s been real!

Friday Funday

Yay!  It’s Friday!  Whoo hoo!  Friday is a whole other kind of fun day for those of us who work in the restaurant business.  Some people work only one 8:00-5:00 jobs then they come to bars and restaurants and have a grand old time.  I’m the person who works 7:00-3:00, then comes into take care of those regular people.  I don’t mind it so much.  I love my coworkers and they love me.  Most of them are funny and make me feel good about myself.  I return the favor as often as I can and I even try to help them with their tables.

We ask each other if we’re okay, and try our best to not snap or be mean.  It’s one of the healthier restaurant environments I’ve worked in.  So, when I do get angry, it’s the fault of the customers, not my coworkers.  Now, most recently, the weekends have been okay; nothing crazy or mind boggling.  But two particular work days stick in my mind: St. Patrick’s Day and Cinco de Mayo.  The two days everyone is conveniently Irish or Spanish.  Now, I’m of legal drinking age, but I don’t see the purpose of getting drunk; and let me tell you!  I saw so many people under the boozy influence, it was hysterical!

However, on both those nights, I got on a wait because everyone wanted to eat there and everyone was taking their sweet ol’ time at their tables.  Several times, people got up at the same time and I was running around, trying to clean tables as fast as I could.  But, as I like to say, “Never underestimate the stupidity of humanity.”  On more than one occasion, people would ignore me and the wait list and seat themselves at dirty table.  Now, I have a retaliation obligation: I ignore them.  I don’t bring them menus, I don’t clean the table, and I don’t tell the server.

If the server sees them at a dirty table without menus, they come to me and say, “They ignored you.”  I nod.  The servers know better than to challenge me after that.  But!  As of right now, no craziness has happened at work, thank God!  I think I might pull out my imaginary weapon (named Blucher [Young Frankenstein]) and shoot them all!

And on that note, it’s been real!

 

(Not) The Last Day

Okay, so I know I mentioned last week that there had been something going on in my day job that seriously messed with me.  Well, now seems an appropriate time to spout because today is.  Now, today is only August 2nd, which, unless it’s your birthday (happy birthday, BTW), it’s not special.  But, it would have been special to me.  It would have been special because it would have been my last day at work.  I was having an elective procedure this upcoming Friday, so I needed the time off to heal up before I go back to school for Dental Assistant, EFDA.  I originally had three weeks after the surgery, and now, I only have one week.

Why?

Because the other woman is away, and my leave got cancelled.  However, I already had my plans set before her, I just didn’t have clearance from my HR department to go on leave.  She got the okay to go, and went.  Something about a sick mother, and I had to stay behind and cover for her.  However, the idiot then posts pictures of her and her family at a resort in Bali for a week.  Then other fun pictures pop up, and I cry foul.  However, my HR department aren’t going to do anything until she gets back.

So, today would have been my last day.  Now, it’s just another work day.  How depressing is that?

And on that note, it’s been real!

The Game of People

Alright, if the title is anything to go by, yes, I watch Game of Thrones.  Me… and the rest of the world.  Certain aspects of the characters intrigue me, and I’ve noticed that I behave similarly, depending on the situation at hand.  Now, one thing you, the reader, must remember is my golden rule: I cannot stand stupid people.  I hate dealing with stupid people at my doctor’s office and at the restaurant.  These are the type of people who put square pegs into round holes, and get mad at me when they don’t fit.  It’s equal parts funny and infuriating.

At the dentist, people miss appointments pretty much every day.  Hey!  Shit happens!  I understand.  What I don’t understand is when they don’t call and tell me that they aren’t coming, and then they get mad when I charge them according to our office policy.

“But I didn’t get a reminder call from you!”

“Ma’am/sir, I called you myself, twice.”

-cue the crickets-

“But I didn’t get a reminder call!”

Square peg… round hole.  I’m laughing on the inside.

At the restaurant, it is slightly different.  I once had a couple walk in and the young lady said, “Table for two, but we’ll be having two more.”

“So you’re a table of four.”

A pause so long, you could have walked the length of London Bridge.

“Yeah.”

Okay, step back, child, before you hurt yourself.

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Pretty much that picture in a nutshell.  If you’ve watched Game of Thrones, which character does that remind you of more…?

And on that note, it’s been real!