Sarcasm: Medicine for Stupid People

Since I became a teenager, and started to mature, my little girl tendencies began to fade into a slightly jaded, sarcastic persona.  The jaded aspect comes from certain events in my childhood and preteen years.  When my family used to go to a Latin mass, my older sister and I were friends with two other sisters from another family.  We had been ‘friends’ for a couple of years, when all of a sudden, both girls started ignoring us.  I later found out it was because our parents and their parents had a disagreement and they told their daughters not to associate with us anymore.  I was only a little girl, and I didn’t understand.  It hurt and made me a little bitter.  I became friends with another girl a few years later and one day, saw my old ‘friend’ trying to cut in on our conversation on the steps of the church after mass on Sunday.  I turned my back and got in between her and my new friend.  Without saying anything, I made my case very clear: she was not welcome.

We’ve gone to the same birthday parties over the years, and her and her younger sister have been invited.  When we play games (and I win), the younger one always challenges my win.  Once when she was really getting on my nerves, I said, “I would say something mean, but I’m afraid I’ll have to explain myself.”  That promptly shut her up and sent her scurrying back to her rat hole.

There was also another family at that church that didn’t like us.  The reason?  My sisters and I are prettier than them.  Not that hard to do when they all look like the Cabbage Patch babies grown up.  Needless to say, being in the same choir with them was an interesting experience.  They ignored us and we ignored them.  Sometimes, the eldest would do something to us, try to order us around.  My older sister kind of let her do it, but I wouldn’t.  Once, when we were at a party to say goodbye to our old choir director, and were heading up some stairs to a open second floor, she poked me between the ribs with her nail.  I stopped and took a step back, placing all my weight on her foot.  I turned and said, “Oh, were you there?  I hadn’t noticed.”  She left me alone after that.  She did something stupid that wouldn’t have gotten her anywhere.  But, I didn’t say she was smart.

Now, as I have said in the past, you play nice with me, I will play nice with you.  If I really like you, I will be your friend.  Cross me, and I will bury you.

And on that note, it’s been real!

 

Let My Pens Go!

If there is one thing that always ticks me off, it’s when somebody steals my pen(s).  I’m a bit of a pen snob and can’t have just any pens.  I always have to get the Uniball Gel Pens.  They write so smooth and they are like my babies.  However, when I was working more often at the dentist office, people would always take my pens and never return them.  It got to the point where I would reach for my pen holder, and I wouldn’t have anymore pens.  That made me a little ornery.  I started getting more pens and then putting my name on them.  That, or sarcastic ‘don’t take, or else’ phrases on sticky labels on the pens.  This way, even if they did take my pens, I can easily identify them.

But, the pen thieves still strike and take my pens and I have to go hunting for them.  I legitimately have a pen-phobia, but that’s preferred to some other phobias out there.  People sometimes think I’m weird when I walk up to them and say, “Can I please have my pen back?” or “I know you have my pen,” or “You done with that?”  I can go on and on and on.  But, I won’t do that to you.  You guys haven’t stolen my pens… yet.

And on that note, it’s been real!

The Unwanted Filter

Don’t you love it when you’re trying to text people and you really want to get your point across about how you feel about a certain situation or a person.  And everyone know’s the best way to do that is by the usage of curse words!  I’ve done a post in the past where I discussed alternative expletives, but now, I’m talking about the actual curse words.  You have to put them in the text because just typing them makes you feel better.  And then you press the ‘space’ bar and that’s when one of your worst enemies kicks in: autocorrect!

It automatically changes the word to something that sounds nicer, but lacks the same eloquence that your previous word have had.  So, you backspace and try again.  Sometimes it works, and you can spell the ‘correct’ word and get your point across.  Other times, it refused to acknowledge that ‘f*ck’ is the word you want to use instead of ‘duck’.  Another one is ‘shut’ for ‘sh*t’.  Then ‘mother trucker’ for ‘mother f*cker’.  That and ‘mother forklift’.  ‘Damn’ simply drops the ‘n’ and it becomes okay to use.

It’s very funny to watch your phone attempt to fix you as it adjusts your spelling.  Quite frequently, I will accidentally send out a text with the autocorrected word in it, and then send another text with the real curse word that I managed to finagle in there.  Look phone, just send the message I want to send, and don’t try to tell me what to say.

And on that note, it’s been real!

Dr. Google Will See You Now

The Internet is equal parts informative and idiotic.  You can learn new things from looking it up on the Internet, and other times, you just make yourself a little more stupid.  Not going to lie; I’ve looked up something on the Internet, made a statement about it, and was made a fool of when I was corrected.  I have since learned to be more discerning and find out from multiple sources whether it is the truth or a misconception.

Now, what I find particularly hilarious, is when patients walk into an office, and say they have this certain ailment.  The assistant or the doctor asks them why they think they have that.  “Oh, I looked it up on Google.”  … crickets …

Do you have any idea how stupid you look to the doctor when you say that?  Incredibly, powerfully, monumentally, and insanely a few plums short of a pie.  That kind of stupid.  Google is a wonderful place.  But may I also remind you that it was the building block for Tinder, Tumblr, and a whole slew of other sites most people would like to forget they were ever a part of.  So… the next time you are feeling ill, and want a ‘first opinion’, don’t go to Google.  Unlike your doctor, Google doesn’t have a Ph.D.  Okay, maybe it does.  But it actually stands for ‘Published Health Distortion.’

And on that note, it’s been real!

Philosophy of Phrases

The power of words is not to be underestimated.  I work with words, and I have coined many phrases that my coworkers now associate with me.  I have a reason for why I say them, and I’m pretty sure if I look back through my memory, I could find when I quoted them.

Phrase #1: I hate humanity – now, when I say that, I don’t hate all humanity.  When I say that, I only apply it to stupid people.  Regretfully, it seems to apply to the majority of people.

Phrase #2: Never underestimate the stupidity of humanity – this phrase spouted out of my mouth probably from working in the restaurant.  I always tell my coworkers that when they are baffled by stupid people.  It fits!  It’s poetic almost.  You should use it sometime when somebody asks you why are people so dumb.

Phrase #3: Ah, mortals! – I just said that because I like to pretend I’m Loki, and he obviously looks down on mortals.  Me?  I look down on stupid people.

Now I know this probably makes me look like I hate people, but I don’t.  I’m fine with humanity, it’s people I can’t stand ~ Linus Van Pelt.

And on that note, it’s been real!

Stupid Questions: Special Edition

Okay, remember how your teacher always says, “There’s never such a thing as a stupid question”?  Well… She was lying.  She just said that to spare your feelings.  Stupid questions are normally asked by stupid people.  I am discounting children because they are children, and still have much to learn.  But, we should be surprised by the enormous amount of stupid questions that are asked by adults.  Sadly, we aren’t.

At my doctor’s office, stupid questions from grown ups are exorbitant.  Almost to the point of idiocy.  Oh, wait… it’s already there.  Our office is very busy, and I very, very, VERY rarely have room in my schedule for a walk-in.  But, I get them often.  Sometimes they are new patients, who have an ’emergency’, and need to be seen immediately.  Please understand that doctors are very busy people and as I mentioned above, very infrequently do they have time to deal with walk-in Schmoes.  Now, maybe that’s because I’m at the front and I rule my land with an iron fist.  Apparently, a few years before I came along, our doctors would see the off-the-street nimrod, and throw off their schedules for the rest of the day.  Look at it this way: if they were meant to see every man who happened by, then schedules would be irrelevant.

I love when I’m on the phone, and I get people saying, “I just need the doctor to check my bleeding gums.  I don’t need an appointment for that, do I?”

I blink a couple of times, restart my brain, and refrain from saying, “On what planet is that okay?!”  One day, a patient’s mother was complaining for her child, and said she needed an appointment as early in the morning as possible.  I said, “Sorry ma’am, but the earliest I have is (such and such a time) with (Dr. Lecter).”

“Oh, that’s not early enough.”

“Well, that’s the only one I’ve got.”

“Can’t the doctor come in early?”  NO!  No, no… no… and… NO!  The doctors come in according to the hours they’ve set for themselves, not whenever you ring your little bell, Queen Victoria!  One of the straws that broke the camel’s back, was a patient who cancelled her appointment, and wanted to reschedule.  These people are always the worst, because they cancel last minute, then they want the unattainable slots: early morning, or late evening.  She cancelled her appointment, and I honestly told her that availability for an evening appointment was slim to none, and she was looking at rescheduling her appointment in another six months.

“Well, can you move somebody else and put me there?”  Are you retarded?!  Were you born with a silver spoon in your mouth as well as your *ss?!  I firmly told her that I could not do that.  “Oh, well somebody did it for me once.”

“Well, I can’t.”  She hung up in a huff, but I did not let her intimidate me.  I get asked stupid questions at least a couple of times a week, and they annoy and amuse me in equal parts.  That’s how close I am to either laughing or crying.

And on that note, it’s been real!

Bleepity, Bleep, Bleep: Curse Words for Everything

This is something fun that I found at least two years ago.  The Christian comedian, Tim Hawkins, did a skit where he gave Christians cusswords they can use without endangering themselves, yada, yada, yada.  I watched the video and legitimately laughed my head off.  Some of them were actually very close to the curse words they were replacing.  After the fact, I unconsciously came up with words of my own that I inserted at appropriate times.

Author’s List of Non-Violent Expletives for Every Occasion:

  • Frickety mackintosh!
  • Schnitzel!
  • Juniper!
  • Frick, Frickety, Frick, Frick!
  • Balls! (debatable, but definitely better than the alternative)
  • Bushel Britches!
  • Suckerpunch!
  • Pond Sucker!
  • Farts!

And there you have it!  Those are my Non-Violent Expletives for Every Occasion!  Whip em’ out whenever you really want to say something, but can’t say that one thing.  Hopefully, it will help alleviate the tension that always comes when people can’t properly express themselves through dirty words.

And on that note, it’s been real!