humor – Page 4 – It's Been Real!

Let My Pens Go!

If there is one thing that always ticks me off, it’s when somebody steals my pen(s). I’m a bit of a pen snob and can’t have just any pens. I always have to get the Uniball Gel Pens. They write so smooth and they are like my babies. However, when I was working more often at the dentist office, people would always take my pens and never return them. It got to the point where I would reach for my pen holder, and I wouldn’t have anymore pens. That made me a little ornery. I started getting more pens and then putting my name on them. That, or sarcastic ‘don’t take, or else’ phrases on sticky labels on the pens. This way, even if they did take my pens, I can easily identify them.

But, the pen thieves still strike and take my pens and I have to go hunting for them. I legitimately have a pen-phobia, but that’s preferred to some other phobias out there. People sometimes think I’m weird when I walk up to them and say, “Can I please have my pen back?” or “I know you have my pen,” or “You done with that?” I can go on and on and on. But, I won’t do that to you. You guys haven’t stolen my pens… yet.

And on that note, it’s been real!

The Unwanted Filter

Don’t you love it when you’re trying to text people and you really want to get your point across about how you feel about a certain situation or a person. And everyone know’s the best way to do that is by the usage of curse words! I’ve done a post in the past where I discussed alternative expletives, but now, I’m talking about the actual curse words. You have to put them in the text because just typing them makes you feel better. And then you press the ‘space’ bar and that’s when one of your worst enemies kicks in: autocorrect!

It automatically changes the word to something that sounds nicer, but lacks the same eloquence that your previous word have had. So, you backspace and try again. Sometimes it works, and you can spell the ‘correct’ word and get your point across. Other times, it refused to acknowledge that ‘f*ck’ is the word you want to use instead of ‘duck’. Another one is ‘shut’ for ‘sh*t’. Then ‘mother trucker’ for ‘mother f*cker’. That and ‘mother forklift’. ‘Damn’ simply drops the ‘n’ and it becomes okay to use.

It’s very funny to watch your phone attempt to fix you as it adjusts your spelling. Quite frequently, I will accidentally send out a text with the autocorrected word in it, and then send another text with the real curse word that I managed to finagle in there. Look phone, just send the message I want to send, and don’t try to tell me what to say.

And on that note, it’s been real!

Dr. Google Will See You Now

The Internet is equal parts informative and idiotic. You can learn new things from looking it up on the Internet, and other times, you just make yourself a little more stupid. Not going to lie; I’ve looked up something on the Internet, made a statement about it, and was made a fool of when I was corrected. I have since learned to be more discerning and find out from multiple sources whether it is the truth or a misconception.

Now, what I find particularly hilarious, is when patients walk into an office, and say they have this certain ailment. The assistant or the doctor asks them why they think they have that. “Oh, I looked it up on Google.” … crickets …

Do you have any idea how stupid you look to the doctor when you say that? Incredibly, powerfully, monumentally, and insanely a few plums short of a pie. That kind of stupid. Google is a wonderful place. But may I also remind you that it was the building block for Tinder, Tumblr, and a whole slew of other sites most people would like to forget they were ever a part of. So… the next time you are feeling ill, and want a ‘first opinion’, don’t go to Google. Unlike your doctor, Google doesn’t have a Ph.D. Okay, maybe it does. But it actually stands for ‘Published Health Distortion.’

And on that note, it’s been real!

Philosophy of Phrases

The power of words is not to be underestimated. I work with words, and I have coined many phrases that my coworkers now associate with me. I have a reason for why I say them, and I’m pretty sure if I look back through my memory, I could find when I quoted them.

Phrase #1: I hate humanity – now, when I say that, I don’t hate all humanity. When I say that, I only apply it to stupid people. Regretfully, it seems to apply to the majority of people.

Phrase #2: Never underestimate the stupidity of humanity – this phrase spouted out of my mouth probably from working in the restaurant. I always tell my coworkers that when they are baffled by stupid people. It fits! It’s poetic almost. You should use it sometime when somebody asks you why are people so dumb.

Phrase #3: Ah, mortals! – I just said that because I like to pretend I’m Loki, and he obviously looks down on mortals. Me? I look down on stupid people.

Now I know this probably makes me look like I hate people, but I don’t. I’m fine with humanity, it’s people I can’t stand ~ Linus Van Pelt.

And on that note, it’s been real!

Stupid Questions: Special Edition

Okay, remember how your teacher always says, “There’s never such a thing as a stupid question”? Well… She was lying. She just said that to spare your feelings. Stupid questions are normally asked by stupid people. I am discounting children because they are children, and still have much to learn. But, we should be surprised by the enormous amount of stupid questions that are asked by adults. Sadly, we aren’t.

At my doctor’s office, stupid questions from grown ups are exorbitant. Almost to the point of idiocy. Oh, wait… it’s already there. Our office is very busy, and I very, very, VERY rarely have room in my schedule for a walk-in. But, I get them often. Sometimes they are new patients, who have an ’emergency’, and need to be seen immediately. Please understand that doctors are very busy people and as I mentioned above, very infrequently do they have time to deal with walk-in Schmoes. Now, maybe that’s because I’m at the front and I rule my land with an iron fist. Apparently, a few years before I came along, our doctors would see the off-the-street nimrod, and throw off their schedules for the rest of the day. Look at it this way: if they were meant to see every man who happened by, then schedules would be irrelevant.

I love when I’m on the phone, and I get people saying, “I just need the doctor to check my bleeding gums. I don’t need an appointment for that, do I?”

I blink a couple of times, restart my brain, and refrain from saying, “On what planet is that okay?!” One day, a patient’s mother was complaining for her child, and said she needed an appointment as early in the morning as possible. I said, “Sorry ma’am, but the earliest I have is (such and such a time) with (Dr. Lecter).”

“Oh, that’s not early enough.”

“Well, that’s the only one I’ve got.”

“Can’t the doctor come in early?” NO! No, no… no… and… NO! The doctors come in according to the hours they’ve set for themselves, not whenever you ring your little bell, Queen Victoria! One of the straws that broke the camel’s back, was a patient who cancelled her appointment, and wanted to reschedule. These people are always the worst, because they cancel last minute, then they want the unattainable slots: early morning, or late evening. She cancelled her appointment, and I honestly told her that availability for an evening appointment was slim to none, and she was looking at rescheduling her appointment in another six months.

“Well, can you move somebody else and put me there?” Are you retarded?! Were you born with a silver spoon in your mouth as well as your *ss?! I firmly told her that I could not do that. “Oh, well somebody did it for me once.”

“Well, I can’t.” She hung up in a huff, but I did not let her intimidate me. I get asked stupid questions at least a couple of times a week, and they annoy and amuse me in equal parts. That’s how close I am to either laughing or crying.

And on that note, it’s been real!

Bleepity, Bleep, Bleep: Curse Words for Everything

This is something fun that I found at least two years ago. The Christian comedian, Tim Hawkins, did a skit where he gave Christians cusswords they can use without endangering themselves, yada, yada, yada. I watched the video and legitimately laughed my head off. Some of them were actually very close to the curse words they were replacing. After the fact, I unconsciously came up with words of my own that I inserted at appropriate times.

Author’s List of Non-Violent Expletives for Every Occasion:

Frickety mackintosh!
Schnitzel!
Juniper!
Frick, Frickety, Frick, Frick!
Balls! (debatable, but definitely better than the alternative)
Bushel Britches!
Suckerpunch!
Pond Sucker!
Farts!

And there you have it! Those are my Non-Violent Expletives for Every Occasion! Whip em’ out whenever you really want to say something, but can’t say that one thing. Hopefully, it will help alleviate the tension that always comes when people can’t properly express themselves through dirty words.

And on that note, it’s been real!

PTSD – Post Traumatic Sunday Disorder

I think everyone can say that Saturday and Sunday are the fastest days of the week. Hands down. Why? Because are normally the days when most people actually have the choice to do absolutely nothing at all! I write mostly. On Saturday, I did cave and go get a pedicure, which was SO relaxing, and a frappe from Panera. It was wonderful! I went to work that night, but it wasn’t busy at all, so I got to go home after an hour of being there. I came home and spent the evening with my younger sister doing absolutely nothing. It was nice.

Sunday (for me) always has an air of depression about it. Because I know I have to go back to work the next morning, so I have squeeze everything I want to do (or not, as the case may be) into this one day. However, Sunday morning soon gives way to Sunday afternoon. And on Sunday afternoons, I get dragged away from my writing to assist with dinner. Now, I like to eat and I like food. Probably wouldn’t be able to tell if you saw me though, because to most people, I look like a recovering anorexic. But, I’ve made salads for my family so many times that I honestly can’t stand the thought of making another salad. I’ve sliced through my nails and had to endure the smell of onions, all to give my dad his salad. I’ve started digging my heels in when it comes to salads to the point where my mom has actually stopped asking me if I can make them. Yay! My evil plan worked!

So… after I’ve basically done everything but the meat, it’s time to eat. Once eating is done, guess who’s got the kitchen? Trick question. After the kitchen is done, it’s time for bed and the evening is done and gone. That is why I have diagnosed myself with PTSD: Post Traumatic Sunday Disorder. I also have Post Traumatic Salad Disorder, and another kind, but that will be a story for another day. So, last night was pretty much the same thing that I explained above. Except… I DIDN’T HAVE TO MAKE THE SALAD!!! 😀

And on that note, it’s been real!

The Game of People

Alright, if the title is anything to go by, yes, I watch Game of Thrones. Me… and the rest of the world. Certain aspects of the characters intrigue me, and I’ve noticed that I behave similarly, depending on the situation at hand. Now, one thing you, the reader, must remember is my golden rule: I cannot stand stupid people. I hate dealing with stupid people at my doctor’s office and at the restaurant. These are the type of people who put square pegs into round holes, and get mad at me when they don’t fit. It’s equal parts funny and infuriating.

At the dentist, people miss appointments pretty much every day. Hey! Shit happens! I understand. What I don’t understand is when they don’t call and tell me that they aren’t coming, and then they get mad when I charge them according to our office policy.

“But I didn’t get a reminder call from you!”

“Ma’am/sir, I called you myself, twice.”

-cue the crickets-

“But I didn’t get a reminder call!”

Square peg… round hole. I’m laughing on the inside.

At the restaurant, it is slightly different. I once had a couple walk in and the young lady said, “Table for two, but we’ll be having two more.”

“So you’re a table of four.”

A pause so long, you could have walked the length of London Bridge.

“Yeah.”

Okay, step back, child, before you hurt yourself.

Pretty much that picture in a nutshell. If you’ve watched Game of Thrones, which character does that remind you of more…?

And on that note, it’s been real!